DesignCAD User Forum

General DesignCAD Topics => Totally Off-Topic => Topic started by: samdavo on August 22, 2014, 04:44:57 PM

Title: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on August 22, 2014, 04:44:57 PM
You have $5 and you ask your father for $3, how much do you have?
Answer: $5  (how well do you know my father?)

Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel (5c). What are they?
Answer: A quarter(25c) and a nickel(5c). The quarter isn't a nickel.
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on October 05, 2014, 01:33:34 AM
THE WILL
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse,  his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

So, he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse is just blown away by all this and, as Doug slips away she says, "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all  this property."

Sarah replies, "Property?  .... The asshole had a paper run."
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on October 05, 2014, 04:28:59 PM
Bloke walks into a bar.  Orders a drink, duly presented to him - together with a bowl of peanuts.

As he lifts the glass he hears mumbling coming from the bowl of peanuts - and putting his ear closer he hears them saying "gee you're handsome" and "what a great suit" etc.

He asks the barman what's going on?
"oh, you mean the peanuts" he says - "they're complimentary"
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on November 24, 2014, 01:12:51 AM
An Infinite Loop

An infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc.

These loops never happen in real life, unless...

A company CEO tells his secretary:
"Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements.

The secretary calls her husband:
"Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."

The husband calls his lover:
"My wife is going abroad for a week, let’s spend it together."

The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:
"Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."

One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:
"Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."

The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:
"My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."

The secretary calls her husband:
"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."

The husband calls his lover:
"We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."

The lover tells the kids:
"My problem was solved, school is back on."

The kid goes to the grandfather:
"Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."

The CEO calls his secretary:
"My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad."
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on November 24, 2014, 01:53:18 AM
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information stored in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive becomes full, so humans also take longer to access information.

Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more but may not be able to access the information as well.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get  there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a  memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more  exercise.

!!
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: prl on November 24, 2014, 02:03:02 AM
An infinite loop is a computer programming concept,

Reminds me of "recursion" , for you Crusty programmers

void MakePhoneCall()
{
  MakePhoneCall(); //Function calls itself
}
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on November 27, 2014, 10:54:40 AM
prl
Now for a bit of pedantry ...  (and dads have a habit of being pedantic in my experience) ...
Your example of an infinite loop is more infinite than mine.  (reply #3 refers).

For a start, the trip is going to happen next week (say 7 days hence, or worst case 14);
and one step in the program is the boy being told by his teacher that she would be away (during the schoolday ?);
and another is that he tells his grandfather (that night?)

Hence, (even if all the other on-again-off-again phonecalls happen at best possible efficiency, eg during the "night shift", or maybe lunch breaks, and off the critical path), because there is a limit to the number of days in a school week (try 5, or if you're real keen,  7), then I believe we have just established that infinity = 7 (or maybe 14) as a maximum.

PS When I think about it,  the kid has to come home one night to say that it is "on-again", and the next to say it is "off-again".   My final offer is that infinity = 7 as an absolute max. (**) Make that 6.

But, to be fair, it is at least a good example of that saying "oh what a tangled web we weave ... "
cheers.  :)

PS ** Monday night the kid says it is on
Tuesday it is off = 1 cycle
Wed on
Thu off = 2
Friday on
Saturday off  (Amish school - very diligent) = 3
Sunday on  (non-Christian Amish)
Monday off = 4
Tue on
Wed off = 5
Thu on (and now there is only one day of "next week" available for the trip)
Fri off = 6

Who's gonna believe that the boss is going on a business trip that happens to coincide with a weekend?
ok maybe 7, since everyone in this story seems to be pretty gullible anyway.

 
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: prl on November 27, 2014, 11:07:23 AM
Sam,  you must have been thinking about that one during the night.  Most recursion routines drill down to some final "if" or case statement at which point they no longer call themselves and they start "returning" their function results back up to the original call.   Unless it is DesignCAD and you are rendering and the darn "escape" key doesn't work and your machine is hopelessly lost.  :)
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on November 27, 2014, 11:12:34 AM
Sounds like a recipe for rendering you insane.

PS Bit like when you ring the Water Company with a problem with the meter reading on your bill, and they keep transferring you between Accounts and Engineering Depts.
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: magic on November 27, 2014, 02:52:35 PM
And from the morbid jokes department:

"Dad, what are you doing with that ax.?"

"Dad, how far is it to America?"
"Shut up, son, and keep swimming."

"Dad, I don't like little brother."
"Shut up, son, and eat up."
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: prl on November 28, 2014, 04:12:28 PM
Am I allowed to post a basiccad routine in this topic thread?

Open your favorite drawing and run this code.  (Warning 1: Remember this is being posted in a joke thread).  When it has finished, save all your hard work.  You have now by re-cursed.


Code: [Select]
'Program: recurse.d3m (a recursion test using call statement)

'making a fake function call using the call statement
'11/28/2014 Sam's infinite phone call loop joke

getxy x1,y1,z1

>pointselect
{
<gravity [x1,y1,z1]
}

if sys(80)=0 then
    end                   
else
   >erase
   {
   }
   call "recurse.d3m"
endif

End

Warning 2: So if anyone actually saves that drawing, thereby losing their work, it is time for you to hang up your hat.
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on November 28, 2014, 11:29:16 PM
prl
mmm
doesn't seem to be working ... i.e.
no matter whether or where I set an original point, I get an error message
"A DesignCAD parameter command is not in the parameter section
--> C:\2000dc\macros\recurse.D3M (23)
<PointXYZ
2.0737etc, -1.2709etc, 000"
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: prl on November 29, 2014, 12:51:52 AM
doesn't seem to be working ... i.e.

Sam, what you have quoted isn't in what I wrote and I don't ask you to set a point.  So you must already have a macro called recurse.d3m in the c:\2000dc\macros directory.

Try the attached version, I changed the name.

A movie - The Precurse.d3m routine (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/81411430/precurse.swf)
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on November 29, 2014, 03:25:06 AM
prl
thanks
in the old DOS days it was called "cls" I believe :)
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: SFA on November 30, 2014, 02:06:15 AM
This really shows how powerful personal computers have become.

I had to add a for/next loop to slow it down to watch.

<gravity [x1,y1,z1]
}
For I = 1 to 1000000
next I

if sys(80)=0 then

I got my first glimpse of this in the 1980s When a few lines of recursive code on the cheap and cheerful BBC micro (BBC BASIC) could draw wonderful colourful Mandelbrot figures while the all-powerful FORTRAN on the mainframe could not do it at all.

I seem to have gone off topic, so here is a joke ---- sorry, I can't think of one!

Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on December 03, 2014, 08:03:42 PM
Tony Blair is visiting a hospital.
"How are you today?" he asks the old man in the first bed.
"Wee sleekit cow'rin' tim'rous beastie," screams the man at him, so he moves on.
"And how are you?" he asks the second patient.
"Some hae meat but cannae eat!" yells this one.
"Hmm," says Tony to the doctor. "Is this the psychiatric unit?"
"Naw - it's the Serious Burns Unit."
………………….
Heard about the Scottish Rolling Stones tribute band? Their most popular song is, Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe.
…………………
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman are all friends of a kind man who loans them each $5.
He dies unexpectedly, and they are lined up beside the coffin being lowered.
The Englishman asks for a pause in proceedings, and puts $5 on the coffin – proudly announcing “never let it be said that an Englishman doesn’t pay his debts”.
The Welshman follows suit …  another $5, “Never let it be said that a Welshman doesn’t either”
The Scotsman thinks for a minute, then scribbles out a cheque for  $15,  places it on the coffin, takes the other notes,  … “And never let it be said that a Scot doesn’t either”
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on December 03, 2014, 11:15:58 PM
PS There are some really top jokes here :-
http://severinbrowne.com/jokes.html


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on December 12, 2014, 03:11:55 PM
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:1st November 2014
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:2nd November 2014
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude ourJewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family. 
Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. 
Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy-bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE:8 November 2005
RE: The F******* Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it. You鈥檒l get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rdDecember off with full pay.
John
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on December 21, 2014, 05:58:06 PM
Here's a joke for the old-timers :)

A man in a restaurant orders the house special.
An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup.
The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup.
Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten.
When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes.
Then in the coffee.

Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food.
The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm."

The customer says, "why don't you stick it up your ass!"
 And the waiter says , "I do that in the kitchen!"
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on January 16, 2015, 04:16:43 PM
Not really a Dad joke - but worth contemplating :)
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on January 20, 2015, 11:51:14 PM
THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
Pass to all 50 yrs. and older & anyone else who could benefit.
   
Cardiovascular Exercise
 
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.  This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you’re over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning:  It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
NOW SCROLL UP
That’s enough for the first day. 
Great job.
Have a glass of wine.
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on January 22, 2015, 12:42:51 AM
Speak now, or forever hold your teeth.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vflUnx8dFXI
funny dentures wedding

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LixOp30hFDI
Korean Politician's Teeth Fall Out - FUNNY

etc :)



Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on January 25, 2015, 02:38:52 AM
Fellow walks into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asks him what he had/
He said “Shingles”

So she took down his name address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had .  He said “Shingles”

So she took down his height weight a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said “Shingles”.

So she gave him a blood test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked what he had. He said “Shingles”/

The doctor asked “Where?”
And the bloke replied “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on January 27, 2015, 11:13:28 AM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   
 
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
two men and a woman.
 
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
 
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   
 
Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair ..... Kill her!!'
 
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'
 
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
 
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.   
 
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This bloody gun is loaded with blanks !!! ....  ' she complained.

'I know' said the FBI agent smiling, reaching to give her her badge and certificate. 
 
' ....   So I had to kill him with the chair!' she said
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on January 27, 2015, 11:32:28 AM
...as Geena Davis once said,  "Chef's do that!"   :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B02dsLGLw4E
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on June 07, 2015, 01:48:51 AM
Don't mess with Senior Citizens!
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 80th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast." The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “Madam, this hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for £50.00. "That's correct! I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me." she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager."

"Well, that's too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens!
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on June 18, 2015, 08:54:14 PM
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Title: Re: Grand Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on October 17, 2015, 12:27:03 AM
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”. At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Kevin".
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on November 15, 2015, 02:24:35 PM
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana  :)
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on November 26, 2015, 02:32:01 AM
Since the Aussie accent etc is currently under discussion in another thread, I enclose a link to a nautical joke told on the tenth anniversary of Aus winning the Americas Cup (in 1983) by the Prime Minister at the time, Bob Hawke (an ex-Labour Union leader).   It also allegedly "captures the Australian irreverence".   It also includes an attempt by an Aussie to imitate a Pommie accent :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0j5A3nWw
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on December 13, 2015, 03:47:58 PM
SENIORS BANKING (copied from an email).
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2.. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

And remember:
... Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on December 16, 2015, 11:45:40 AM
ANOTHER SENIOR'S STORY

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past
 Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
 told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
 The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
 another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweller said.
 The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
 The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
 The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
 and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said
 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on April 15, 2016, 02:37:34 PM
...  Self explanatory I would imagine :)   The text reads "My first attempt at 3D printing"
Title: Re: Dad etc jokes
Post by: samdavo on May 05, 2016, 01:43:52 AM
So how do you think the unthinkable?

...
with an ithberg :)
cheers