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Dad etc jokes
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August 22, 2014, 04:44:57 PM
You have $5 and you ask your father for $3, how much do you have?
Answer: $5  (how well do you know my father?)

Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel (5c). What are they?
Answer: A quarter(25c) and a nickel(5c). The quarter isn't a nickel.


October 05, 2014, 01:33:34 AM
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse,  his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

So, he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse is just blown away by all this and, as Doug slips away she says, "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all  this property."

Sarah replies, "Property?  .... The asshole had a paper run."
« Last Edit: October 05, 2014, 04:36:00 PM by samdavo »


October 05, 2014, 04:28:59 PM
Bloke walks into a bar.  Orders a drink, duly presented to him - together with a bowl of peanuts.

As he lifts the glass he hears mumbling coming from the bowl of peanuts - and putting his ear closer he hears them saying "gee you're handsome" and "what a great suit" etc.

He asks the barman what's going on?
"oh, you mean the peanuts" he says - "they're complimentary"


November 24, 2014, 01:12:51 AM
An Infinite Loop

An infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc.

These loops never happen in real life, unless...

A company CEO tells his secretary:
"Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements.

The secretary calls her husband:
"Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."

The husband calls his lover:
"My wife is going abroad for a week, let’s spend it together."

The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:
"Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."

One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:
"Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."

The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:
"My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."

The secretary calls her husband:
"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."

The husband calls his lover:
"We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."

The lover tells the kids:
"My problem was solved, school is back on."

The kid goes to the grandfather:
"Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."

The CEO calls his secretary:
"My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad."


November 24, 2014, 01:53:18 AM
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information stored in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive becomes full, so humans also take longer to access information.

Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more but may not be able to access the information as well.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get  there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a  memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more  exercise.



November 24, 2014, 02:03:02 AM
An infinite loop is a computer programming concept,

Reminds me of "recursion" , for you Crusty programmers

void MakePhoneCall()
  MakePhoneCall(); //Function calls itself


November 27, 2014, 10:54:40 AM
Now for a bit of pedantry ...  (and dads have a habit of being pedantic in my experience) ...
Your example of an infinite loop is more infinite than mine.  (reply #3 refers).

For a start, the trip is going to happen next week (say 7 days hence, or worst case 14);
and one step in the program is the boy being told by his teacher that she would be away (during the schoolday ?);
and another is that he tells his grandfather (that night?)

Hence, (even if all the other on-again-off-again phonecalls happen at best possible efficiency, eg during the "night shift", or maybe lunch breaks, and off the critical path), because there is a limit to the number of days in a school week (try 5, or if you're real keen,  7), then I believe we have just established that infinity = 7 (or maybe 14) as a maximum.

PS When I think about it,  the kid has to come home one night to say that it is "on-again", and the next to say it is "off-again".   My final offer is that infinity = 7 as an absolute max. (**) Make that 6.

But, to be fair, it is at least a good example of that saying "oh what a tangled web we weave ... "
cheers.  :)

PS ** Monday night the kid says it is on
Tuesday it is off = 1 cycle
Wed on
Thu off = 2
Friday on
Saturday off  (Amish school - very diligent) = 3
Sunday on  (non-Christian Amish)
Monday off = 4
Tue on
Wed off = 5
Thu on (and now there is only one day of "next week" available for the trip)
Fri off = 6

Who's gonna believe that the boss is going on a business trip that happens to coincide with a weekend?
ok maybe 7, since everyone in this story seems to be pretty gullible anyway.

« Last Edit: November 27, 2014, 11:08:56 AM by samdavo »


November 27, 2014, 11:07:23 AM
Sam,  you must have been thinking about that one during the night.  Most recursion routines drill down to some final "if" or case statement at which point they no longer call themselves and they start "returning" their function results back up to the original call.   Unless it is DesignCAD and you are rendering and the darn "escape" key doesn't work and your machine is hopelessly lost.  :)
« Last Edit: November 27, 2014, 11:17:45 AM by prl »


November 27, 2014, 11:12:34 AM
Sounds like a recipe for rendering you insane.

PS Bit like when you ring the Water Company with a problem with the meter reading on your bill, and they keep transferring you between Accounts and Engineering Depts.
« Last Edit: November 27, 2014, 11:22:18 AM by samdavo »


November 27, 2014, 02:52:35 PM
And from the morbid jokes department:

"Dad, what are you doing with that ax.?"

"Dad, how far is it to America?"
"Shut up, son, and keep swimming."

"Dad, I don't like little brother."
"Shut up, son, and eat up."

It's a kind of magic!

November 28, 2014, 04:12:28 PM
Am I allowed to post a basiccad routine in this topic thread?

Open your favorite drawing and run this code.  (Warning 1: Remember this is being posted in a joke thread).  When it has finished, save all your hard work.  You have now by re-cursed.

Code: [Select]
'Program: recurse.d3m (a recursion test using call statement)

'making a fake function call using the call statement
'11/28/2014 Sam's infinite phone call loop joke

getxy x1,y1,z1

<gravity [x1,y1,z1]

if sys(80)=0 then
   call "recurse.d3m"


Warning 2: So if anyone actually saves that drawing, thereby losing their work, it is time for you to hang up your hat.


November 28, 2014, 11:29:16 PM
doesn't seem to be working ... i.e.
no matter whether or where I set an original point, I get an error message
"A DesignCAD parameter command is not in the parameter section
--> C:\2000dc\macros\recurse.D3M (23)
2.0737etc, -1.2709etc, 000"


November 29, 2014, 12:51:52 AM
doesn't seem to be working ... i.e.

Sam, what you have quoted isn't in what I wrote and I don't ask you to set a point.  So you must already have a macro called recurse.d3m in the c:\2000dc\macros directory.

Try the attached version, I changed the name.

A movie - The Precurse.d3m routine
« Last Edit: November 29, 2014, 01:20:23 AM by prl »


November 29, 2014, 03:25:06 AM
in the old DOS days it was called "cls" I believe :)


* November 30, 2014, 02:06:15 AM
This really shows how powerful personal computers have become.

I had to add a for/next loop to slow it down to watch.

<gravity [x1,y1,z1]
For I = 1 to 1000000
next I

if sys(80)=0 then

I got my first glimpse of this in the 1980s When a few lines of recursive code on the cheap and cheerful BBC micro (BBC BASIC) could draw wonderful colourful Mandelbrot figures while the all-powerful FORTRAN on the mainframe could not do it at all.

I seem to have gone off topic, so here is a joke ---- sorry, I can't think of one!