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Dad etc jokes
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December 13, 2015, 03:47:58 PM
#30
SENIORS BANKING (copied from an email).
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2.. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

And remember:
... Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

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December 16, 2015, 11:45:40 AM
#31
ANOTHER SENIOR'S STORY

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past
 Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
 told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
 The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
 another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweller said.
 The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
 The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
 The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
 and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said
 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Not All Seniors Are Senile...

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April 15, 2016, 02:37:34 PM
#32
...  Self explanatory I would imagine :)   The text reads "My first attempt at 3D printing"

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May 05, 2016, 01:43:52 AM
#33
So how do you think the unthinkable?

...
with an ithberg :)
cheers

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April 09, 2020, 11:23:05 PM
#34
SIMPLEST EXPLANATION EVER of HOW POLITICS WORKS !

I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of MY choice!"
He said "NO!"
I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!!! He said "OKAY!"
Got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!" He said "NO!"
Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank! He said "OKAY!"
Went to the President of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the Bank! He said "NO!"
Told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law! He said "OKAY!"
  That’s Exactly how Politics works….

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* April 11, 2020, 02:05:55 PM
#35
HI Sam,
Good to see you back.

_____________________________________________

As a diner was ordering in a posh restaurant, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.  His waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

"Yes," the waiter replied. "When an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 12.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

Later, as the diner finished his  crème brûlée, his waiter returned, and the diner noticed another oddity. "Do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" he asked.

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

“Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?”

“Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

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April 14, 2020, 09:39:05 PM
#36
Lol, good one bdeck :)  Howdy indeed. 
similar to one above, HOW A STIMULUS PACKAGE WORKS

PS I found another comment "The traveller, on receiving the note back, notices it is counterfeit and burns it. So the question is were all those debts paid or not? Just numbers in cyberspace, lol"  :)   But this belongs after the story below. ...
………….
Stimulus package
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the farmer.
The farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
*And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works*  (cheers)

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* April 17, 2020, 12:44:38 AM
#37
*And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works* 

A well-oiled machine!
In the real world, of course, there's always some golden boy who finds a way to siphon off a bit of each transaction. Good thing Ken Lay and Bernie Madoff weren't there to muck it up completely.

Good story, Sam.
Stay Well,
bd
« Last Edit: April 17, 2020, 12:47:15 AM by bdeck »

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